i am realizing a truth about myself which i dont really like, and it is that i actually have to relearn how to be on my own again. i have to relearn to be single and independent, confident, happy with myself, self-assured - all of those things.
i used to be independent and i didnt need anyone cuz i could take care of my own damn self, thank you very much. and maybe some of that was a facade, but i think mostly it was true. its not that i didnt want to be in a relationship, just that i didnt need to be in one. i was perfectly fine going along enjoying my life with complete faith that things would happen when they do, feeling no pressure, no urgency or panic.
after lots of struggling to get there, i was a person who was fairly comfortable in her skin, reasonably confident, and mostly together. not in a have it all and know it all way, but in a way where whatever that wasnt together -- i was ok with it and had faith it would eventually come together. i dont know what happened to that person or when she disappeared. or maybe i am wrong and she was never really there to begin with.
i dont really feel like i know anything any more. i feel unraveled, anxious, uncertain. sometimes i feel like there is a barely contained panic welling up inside me. and other times, i realize everything is fine. i am going to be fine. i am going get back to that put together state again. i am going to be happy again. im going to find all of that again.
and part of me understands that this is just what happens when a 4+ year relationship ends. when the things you think you know - you dont know anymore. when the puzzle you thought you almost finished gets torn apart and you have to figure out how to put it back together, but the pieces are different now and you dont yet know what to do with them. so i guess the only thing that makes sense is to take a deep breath, calm down, and get back to work until you figure out the puzzle again?
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