i was thinking about getting a certificate in IR. i feel pretty lucky to have a decent sense of job security these days, but i thought it would help me be better at my job and give my resume and skills set a boost in case i ever decide to work somewhere else. i brought it up to my boss (because i was planning to ask him for a recommendation letter for an IR grant i could apply for). his two cents are that it's not worth it for me to get the certificate and he recommended that i look into PhD programs. on the one hand, i'm kinda bummed to have my idea shot down. at the same time, i realize that a) my boss is just trying to give me honest, helpful advice and b) he really values higher education and thinks i'm capable. so this opens up a whole new can of worms for me. do i really want to go back to school? not so sure. but i know eventually i will feel the need or desire to do it and it will be in my best interest to do so. and, it makes sense to do it sooner rather than later, while i'm still young and have less responsibilities to worry about. so it's a lot to think about here. i kinda wish the whole career thing was predetermined. like, i could just pick a career path out of a hat or something. in the mean time, i'm just glad i have a good job with good pay and benefits at a time when many people are losing theirs.

we're the dancers...

justin timberlake + snl = swoon!



it's bee-rilliant!

anna's given me a little nudge for an update, so here goes...

i guess i haven't updated because i don't have much to say. it's not because nothing's been going on. in fact, it's been a ridiculously busy summer. lots of things are changing. plus, i feel like i am always doing something or have plans with someone. the problem is i just haven't had time to sort through everything that's been going on and process it all. so let me try to start now...

i can feel the end of summer approaching (though you couldn't tell from the weather today). it is strange how different i feel and where my head's at now and what all is going on in my life now compared to less than a year ago. my last birthday feels like eons ago, and my next is just around the corner. my last birthday found me very angsty and brooding. i think this next one will find me in a thoughtful mood, and i think i will have a lot to reflect on. two big changes in particular - a new home and a new boyfriend.

the new home is great. i love the new apartment. it feels very homey and i think it was a great find. my roommate is awesome and despite my secret irrational fear that it'd be a disaster and ruin our friendship (which totally has nothing to do with my roommate and everything to do with previous roommate situations), i think it is going to be just fine. better than fine -- great. we get along and communicate well, we can handle the occasional moment of spazziness/bitchiness/neuroticism/etc, we're respectful and considerate towards one another, and we both know how to compromise. our neighbors are also awesome -- super friendly and enjoyable to chat with. plus, the management is pretty great too -- they seem to really care about their building and tenants.

i am feeling a little spazzy lately about the rate at which i am unpacking, and wanting to hurry up and be 100% settled. i am having to get used to the fact that it is nearly impossible to do an intense, complete deep clean as often as i used to be able to in my teeny little studio. so these things have gotten under my skin and made me a little anxious or overwhelmed, but i'm dealing. we've also had a weeks long battle with RCN (where it appears the major qualification for hire is being a complete and utter useless douchebag) over a really unprofessional and completely crappy and improper installation fiasco. after HOURS of being on the phone on multiple occasions over the last 2 weeks, it is very nearly resolved. ish. resolved-ish. *sigh*

then there's the new boyfriend. and yes, i've moved beyond my cautious "i'm kinda dating someone" thing to being comfortable saying "yes, he's my boyfriend". i think i was caught really off guard with the whole dating thing. it just kind of happened, and i don't think i knew for sure whether or not i was ready. so i just needed to sort of ease my way into it, feel it out, and see if it fit. and it turns out, i am totally ready. he is a really nice guy, which i think i was wary of before because i've been in situations with really nice people who put me on a pedestal before and it didn't turn out well. the difference here is that he doesn't treat me any differently than he does everyone else... this is just the way he is with people. i've seen him be super kind, considerate, and nice to homeless people, people who are lost, wait staff, and my friends. it's not something he does just to look good or because he is mooning over me. half the time i've completely not noticed what was going on and been confused until i realize that while i was being completely oblivious, he'd found an opportunity to be nice or helpful to someone and took it... because that's just what he does.

we have a lot in common. we like the same kind of music, movies, and tv shows, tho we don't *always* agree. he gets some of my quirks and issues, because he has similar ones (especially when it comes to weird family stuff, and falling prey to guilty feelings). he's generous and thoughtful. he's smart and has plans for himself. i feel really comfortable around him and enjoy spending time with him. plus, he is the best kisser ever. every other guy i've ever kissed has needed at least a little guidance in this area. not this time :)

i think that while i am less spazzy about the whole dating thing, there is still a part of me that is kind of waiting for it to blow up in my face. so i'm working on that. you know, trying to enjoy what's going on now without worrying about what could happen later. i'm also adjusting to the not being single thing. you know, taking someone else into account when i make plans, those kinds of things.

anyway, those are kind of the major things that have been going on. other fun stuff i've been busy with: helping a-dawg and her mom pick out a new dog, spending time with friends and family, jury duty, seeing BJ Novak do stand up, visiting anna's home town and going to the State Fair... just to name a few.

i love everything about tomatonation.com. The Vine letters are awesome and Sars' responses are excellent. there are other fun bits, like movie and book reviews and essays written by Sars. i came across her essay "25 and Over" today. while reading it i kept thinking about how i wish more people knew how to behave properly! the world would be so much better! it is sad that people need to be told these things, really. but here is one particular tidbit that made me go "YES! YES, EXACTLY! Come on people, get it together!"

Give and receive favors graciously. If you have agreed to do a favor, you may not 1) remind the favoree ceaselessly about how great a pain it is for you, or 2) half-ass it because the favoree "owes you." It is a favor; it is not required, and if you cannot do it, say so. If you can do it, pretend that nobody is watching, do it as best you can, and let that be the end of it. Conversely, if you ask for a favor and the askee cannot do it, do not get snappish. You can manage.

couldn't have said it better myself.

i am having a rough day today. i am emotionally exhausted and unbelievably cranky. and oddly enough the problem is not so much my own problems (tho i do have my own somewhat stressful things going on), as it is other people's problems. there is just too much going on with too many people, and my brain can't handle it. family members having health problems, family members having money problems, family members having mental health problems, my friends having crappy things going on this week. it's too much, and i can't fix it all, but i often feel responsible for helping fix it all or make it better, but again it's too much. and i don't know how to let it go, how to be compassionate and concerned for others without absorbing all the yuckyness and making it mine. or without feeling guilty that i can't do more, or i don't know how to do more, or i don't want to do more, or that it's not possible or even my place to do more.

and i feel guilty because i avoid my family, because sometimes i feel like i am being sucked dry. whether it is because they are being too demanding, or often simply because just being reminded of all these things and situations i don't want to think about is emotionally draining. i don't want to go to so-and-so's house and learn that they are mistreating their kids, or they don't have enough money to pay bills, or they could use some help with groceries. because i can't help them all. they're too many of them compared to just one of me. and, i'm also afraid that if i help i will only be expected to help more and more and more. and maybe that is selfish or unfair, and maybe it is based on my experiences with certain people in particular, even tho not everyone acts that way. but really, it just makes me want to run away from them, which just makes me feel even guiltier. that not only can i not fix everything, but that i'd rather actually just not even be around to see it.

i'm just so tired right now, and my brain can't deal.

Ingrid Michaelson, "Overboard"

Ingrid Michaelson's album, "Girls and Boys", is my favorite thing to listen to right now. This is one of my favorite songs on it:



"I could write my name by the age of three
and I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.
I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you, so you can catch me.

But as strong as I seem to think I am, my distressing damsel,
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes are
bright, then I think I simply ought to

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you, so you can catch me.
So you can catch me.

I watch the ships go sailing by.
I play the girl, will you play the guy?
And I never thought I'd be the type
to fall, to fall, to fall, to fall to fall

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me, you can catch-

I watch the ships go sailing by.
I play the girl, will you be my guy?
And I never thought I'd be the type to fall, to fall

To fall, to fall, to fall...

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me."

so my previous post, which is empty except for a smiley face, was an accident. i clicked where i didn't mean to, but i decided to leave it as is because it's a pretty simple and accurate description of how things have been.

i have been so busy, it's ridiculous. work is keeping me crazy busy, which is sometimes interesting, fun, and fulfilling and sometimes the very opposite of all those things. i put my benefits to good use recently and took a day off to hang out with a friend who also played hooky for the day.

i've been enjoying the summer - concerts, bbqs, spending time with friends and family. one of my closest friends from college got engaged in what has got to be the most romantic scenario i've ever heard of. seriously. so excited for her and looking forward to the wedding in february. another friend who's had a rough time lately is bouncing back. even my family is doing well for the most part. all great things.

i'm also moving in a couple weeks into a really kickass apartment, which i will share with a really kickass friend, who i anticipate will be a really kickass roommate. i didn't want to post the link with pics of the place before, because it wasn't officially ours and i didn't want to risk losing it, lol, but here it is: http://www.ardmorewinthrop.com/57523br.htm.

it is a really nice place, with tons of space -- a huge living room and dining room, in addition to a sun room. we also each get our own bathroom, and we have this cute porch: http://www.ardmorewinthrop.com/5752.htm. i'm really looking forward to the move tho it is a little crazy to move in such a short amount of time. i'm excited to buy new things for the new place lol.

in addition to all of this excitement and good news, i've also been seeing a really nice guy that i enjoy spending time with and who i really feel like myself around (finally!). it's still pretty early on, so i'm trying not to overthink things or spazz out, but just to enjoy it. it's nice to spend time with someone and not feel like i need to take care of them. it's also nice to feel like i don't have to do or be anything than what i am. i don't have to try to be smart, sexy, or funny; i just am. and, i'm starting to feel that way again. so that's fun and exciting too.

so yea, smiley face pretty much sums it all up.

:)

Sometimes in the morning, I am petrified and can't move.
Awake but cannot open my eyes.
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs. I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time.
And your mother's still calling you insane and high,
Swearing it's different this time.
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her,
And that god never blessed her insides.
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things,
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because,
Like the sick and the dying.

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on.
And your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap,
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.
But you'll fight and you'll make it through.
You'll fake it if you have to,
And you'll show up for work with a smile.
And you'll be be better, you'll be smarter,
More grown up, and a better daughter
Or son, and a real good friend.
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert.
You'll be positive though it hurts,
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends.
And you'll be a real good listener,
You'll be honest, you'll be brave.
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful.
You'll be happy.

Your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below.
Your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in.
And you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all.