i am having a rough day today. i am emotionally exhausted and unbelievably cranky. and oddly enough the problem is not so much my own problems (tho i do have my own somewhat stressful things going on), as it is other people's problems. there is just too much going on with too many people, and my brain can't handle it. family members having health problems, family members having money problems, family members having mental health problems, my friends having crappy things going on this week. it's too much, and i can't fix it all, but i often feel responsible for helping fix it all or make it better, but again it's too much. and i don't know how to let it go, how to be compassionate and concerned for others without absorbing all the yuckyness and making it mine. or without feeling guilty that i can't do more, or i don't know how to do more, or i don't want to do more, or that it's not possible or even my place to do more.

and i feel guilty because i avoid my family, because sometimes i feel like i am being sucked dry. whether it is because they are being too demanding, or often simply because just being reminded of all these things and situations i don't want to think about is emotionally draining. i don't want to go to so-and-so's house and learn that they are mistreating their kids, or they don't have enough money to pay bills, or they could use some help with groceries. because i can't help them all. they're too many of them compared to just one of me. and, i'm also afraid that if i help i will only be expected to help more and more and more. and maybe that is selfish or unfair, and maybe it is based on my experiences with certain people in particular, even tho not everyone acts that way. but really, it just makes me want to run away from them, which just makes me feel even guiltier. that not only can i not fix everything, but that i'd rather actually just not even be around to see it.

i'm just so tired right now, and my brain can't deal.

Ingrid Michaelson, "Overboard"

Ingrid Michaelson's album, "Girls and Boys", is my favorite thing to listen to right now. This is one of my favorite songs on it:



"I could write my name by the age of three
and I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.
I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you, so you can catch me.

But as strong as I seem to think I am, my distressing damsel,
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes are
bright, then I think I simply ought to

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you, so you can catch me.
So you can catch me.

I watch the ships go sailing by.
I play the girl, will you play the guy?
And I never thought I'd be the type
to fall, to fall, to fall, to fall to fall

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me, you can catch-

I watch the ships go sailing by.
I play the girl, will you be my guy?
And I never thought I'd be the type to fall, to fall

To fall, to fall, to fall...

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me."

so my previous post, which is empty except for a smiley face, was an accident. i clicked where i didn't mean to, but i decided to leave it as is because it's a pretty simple and accurate description of how things have been.

i have been so busy, it's ridiculous. work is keeping me crazy busy, which is sometimes interesting, fun, and fulfilling and sometimes the very opposite of all those things. i put my benefits to good use recently and took a day off to hang out with a friend who also played hooky for the day.

i've been enjoying the summer - concerts, bbqs, spending time with friends and family. one of my closest friends from college got engaged in what has got to be the most romantic scenario i've ever heard of. seriously. so excited for her and looking forward to the wedding in february. another friend who's had a rough time lately is bouncing back. even my family is doing well for the most part. all great things.

i'm also moving in a couple weeks into a really kickass apartment, which i will share with a really kickass friend, who i anticipate will be a really kickass roommate. i didn't want to post the link with pics of the place before, because it wasn't officially ours and i didn't want to risk losing it, lol, but here it is: http://www.ardmorewinthrop.com/57523br.htm.

it is a really nice place, with tons of space -- a huge living room and dining room, in addition to a sun room. we also each get our own bathroom, and we have this cute porch: http://www.ardmorewinthrop.com/5752.htm. i'm really looking forward to the move tho it is a little crazy to move in such a short amount of time. i'm excited to buy new things for the new place lol.

in addition to all of this excitement and good news, i've also been seeing a really nice guy that i enjoy spending time with and who i really feel like myself around (finally!). it's still pretty early on, so i'm trying not to overthink things or spazz out, but just to enjoy it. it's nice to spend time with someone and not feel like i need to take care of them. it's also nice to feel like i don't have to do or be anything than what i am. i don't have to try to be smart, sexy, or funny; i just am. and, i'm starting to feel that way again. so that's fun and exciting too.

so yea, smiley face pretty much sums it all up.

:)