A Formula for Procrastination

2009-02-03T22:04:00.002-06:00

i was thinking about getting a certificate in IR. i feel pretty lucky to have a decent sense of job security these days, but i thought it would help me be better at my job and give my resume and skills set a boost in case i ever decide to work somewhere else. i brought it up to my boss (because i was planning to ask him for a recommendation letter for an IR grant i could apply for). his two cents are that it's not worth it for me to get the certificate and he recommended that i look into PhD programs. on the one hand, i'm kinda bummed to have my idea shot down. at the same time, i realize that a) my boss is just trying to give me honest, helpful advice and b) he really values higher education and thinks i'm capable. so this opens up a whole new can of worms for me. do i really want to go back to school? not so sure. but i know eventually i will feel the need or desire to do it and it will be in my best interest to do so. and, it makes sense to do it sooner rather than later, while i'm still young and have less responsibilities to worry about. so it's a lot to think about here. i kinda wish the whole career thing was predetermined. like, i could just pick a career path out of a hat or something. in the mean time, i'm just glad i have a good job with good pay and benefits at a time when many people are losing theirs.

we're the dancers...

2008-11-20T22:15:00.002-06:00

justin timberlake + snl = swoon!

it's bee-rilliant!

2008-09-02T17:39:00.003-05:00

anna's given me a little nudge for an update, so here goes...

i guess i haven't updated because i don't have much to say. it's not because nothing's been going on. in fact, it's been a ridiculously busy summer. lots of things are changing. plus, i feel like i am always doing something or have plans with someone. the problem is i just haven't had time to sort through everything that's been going on and process it all. so let me try to start now...

i can feel the end of summer approaching (though you couldn't tell from the weather today). it is strange how different i feel and where my head's at now and what all is going on in my life now compared to less than a year ago. my last birthday feels like eons ago, and my next is just around the corner. my last birthday found me very angsty and brooding. i think this next one will find me in a thoughtful mood, and i think i will have a lot to reflect on. two big changes in particular - a new home and a new boyfriend.

the new home is great. i love the new apartment. it feels very homey and i think it was a great find. my roommate is awesome and despite my secret irrational fear that it'd be a disaster and ruin our friendship (which totally has nothing to do with my roommate and everything to do with previous roommate situations), i think it is going to be just fine. better than fine -- great. we get along and communicate well, we can handle the occasional moment of spazziness/bitchiness/neuroticism/etc, we're respectful and considerate towards one another, and we both know how to compromise. our neighbors are also awesome -- super friendly and enjoyable to chat with. plus, the management is pretty great too -- they seem to really care about their building and tenants.

i am feeling a little spazzy lately about the rate at which i am unpacking, and wanting to hurry up and be 100% settled. i am having to get used to the fact that it is nearly impossible to do an intense, complete deep clean as often as i used to be able to in my teeny little studio. so these things have gotten under my skin and made me a little anxious or overwhelmed, but i'm dealing. we've also had a weeks long battle with RCN (where it appears the major qualification for hire is being a complete and utter useless douchebag) over a really unprofessional and completely crappy and improper installation fiasco. after HOURS of being on the phone on multiple occasions over the last 2 weeks, it is very nearly resolved. ish. resolved-ish. *sigh*

then there's the new boyfriend. and yes, i've moved beyond my cautious "i'm kinda dating someone" thing to being comfortable saying "yes, he's my boyfriend". i think i was caught really off guard with the whole dating thing. it just kind of happened, and i don't think i knew for sure whether or not i was ready. so i just needed to sort of ease my way into it, feel it out, and see if it fit. and it turns out, i am totally ready. he is a really nice guy, which i think i was wary of before because i've been in situations with really nice people who put me on a pedestal before and it didn't turn out well. the difference here is that he doesn't treat me any differently than he does everyone else... this is just the way he is with people. i've seen him be super kind, considerate, and nice to homeless people, people who are lost, wait staff, and my friends. it's not something he does just to look good or because he is mooning over me. half the time i've completely not noticed what was going on and been confused until i realize that while i was being completely oblivious, he'd found an opportunity to be nice or helpful to someone and took it... because that's just what he does.

we have a lot in common. we like the same kind of music, movies, and tv shows, tho we don't *always* agree. he gets some of my quirks and issues, because he has similar ones (especially when it comes to weird family stuff, and falling prey to guilty feelings). he's generous and thoughtful. he's smart and has plans for himself. i feel really comfortable around him and enjoy spending time with him. plus, he is the best kisser ever. every other guy i've ever kissed has needed at least a little guidance in this area. not this time :)

i think that while i am less spazzy about the whole dating thing, there is still a part of me that is kind of waiting for it to blow up in my face. so i'm working on that. you know, trying to enjoy what's going on now without worrying about what could happen later. i'm also adjusting to the not being single thing. you know, taking someone else into account when i make plans, those kinds of things.

anyway, those are kind of the major things that have been going on. other fun stuff i've been busy with: helping a-dawg and her mom pick out a new dog, spending time with friends and family, jury duty, seeing BJ Novak do stand up, visiting anna's home town and going to the State Fair... just to name a few.

2008-08-06T17:17:00.002-05:00

i love everything about tomatonation.com. The Vine letters are awesome and Sars' responses are excellent. there are other fun bits, like movie and book reviews and essays written by Sars. i came across her essay "25 and Over" today. while reading it i kept thinking about how i wish more people knew how to behave properly! the world would be so much better! it is sad that people need to be told these things, really. but here is one particular tidbit that made me go "YES! YES, EXACTLY! Come on people, get it together!"

Give and receive favors graciously. If you have agreed to do a favor, you may not 1) remind the favoree ceaselessly about how great a pain it is for you, or 2) half-ass it because the favoree "owes you." It is a favor; it is not required, and if you cannot do it, say so. If you can do it, pretend that nobody is watching, do it as best you can, and let that be the end of it. Conversely, if you ask for a favor and the askee cannot do it, do not get snappish. You can manage.

couldn't have said it better myself.

2008-07-31T11:40:00.002-05:00

i am having a rough day today. i am emotionally exhausted and unbelievably cranky. and oddly enough the problem is not so much my own problems (tho i do have my own somewhat stressful things going on), as it is other people's problems. there is just too much going on with too many people, and my brain can't handle it. family members having health problems, family members having money problems, family members having mental health problems, my friends having crappy things going on this week. it's too much, and i can't fix it all, but i often feel responsible for helping fix it all or make it better, but again it's too much. and i don't know how to let it go, how to be compassionate and concerned for others without absorbing all the yuckyness and making it mine. or without feeling guilty that i can't do more, or i don't know how to do more, or i don't want to do more, or that it's not possible or even my place to do more.

and i feel guilty because i avoid my family, because sometimes i feel like i am being sucked dry. whether it is because they are being too demanding, or often simply because just being reminded of all these things and situations i don't want to think about is emotionally draining. i don't want to go to so-and-so's house and learn that they are mistreating their kids, or they don't have enough money to pay bills, or they could use some help with groceries. because i can't help them all. they're too many of them compared to just one of me. and, i'm also afraid that if i help i will only be expected to help more and more and more. and maybe that is selfish or unfair, and maybe it is based on my experiences with certain people in particular, even tho not everyone acts that way. but really, it just makes me want to run away from them, which just makes me feel even guiltier. that not only can i not fix everything, but that i'd rather actually just not even be around to see it.

i'm just so tired right now, and my brain can't deal.

Ingrid Michaelson, "Overboard"

2008-07-30T15:26:00.003-05:00

Ingrid Michaelson's album, "Girls and Boys", is my favorite thing to listen to right now. This is one of my favorite songs on it:

"I could write my name by the age of three
and I don't need anyone to cut my meat for me.
I'm a big girl now, see my big girl shoes.
It'll take more than just a breeze to make me

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you, so you can catch me.

But as strong as I seem to think I am, my distressing damsel,
She comes out at night when the moon's filled up and your eyes are
bright, then I think I simply ought to

Fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you, so you can catch me.
So you can catch me.

I watch the ships go sailing by.
I play the girl, will you play the guy?
And I never thought I'd be the type
to fall, to fall, to fall, to fall to fall

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me, you can catch-

I watch the ships go sailing by.
I play the girl, will you be my guy?
And I never thought I'd be the type to fall, to fall

To fall, to fall, to fall...

To fall over, fall over, fall overboard, overboard.
Fall overboard just so you can catch me.
You can catch me, you can catch me."

2008-07-23T21:48:00.003-05:00

so my previous post, which is empty except for a smiley face, was an accident. i clicked where i didn't mean to, but i decided to leave it as is because it's a pretty simple and accurate description of how things have been.

i have been so busy, it's ridiculous. work is keeping me crazy busy, which is sometimes interesting, fun, and fulfilling and sometimes the very opposite of all those things. i put my benefits to good use recently and took a day off to hang out with a friend who also played hooky for the day.

i've been enjoying the summer - concerts, bbqs, spending time with friends and family. one of my closest friends from college got engaged in what has got to be the most romantic scenario i've ever heard of. seriously. so excited for her and looking forward to the wedding in february. another friend who's had a rough time lately is bouncing back. even my family is doing well for the most part. all great things.

i'm also moving in a couple weeks into a really kickass apartment, which i will share with a really kickass friend, who i anticipate will be a really kickass roommate. i didn't want to post the link with pics of the place before, because it wasn't officially ours and i didn't want to risk losing it, lol, but here it is: http://www.ardmorewinthrop.com/57523br.htm.

it is a really nice place, with tons of space -- a huge living room and dining room, in addition to a sun room. we also each get our own bathroom, and we have this cute porch: http://www.ardmorewinthrop.com/5752.htm. i'm really looking forward to the move tho it is a little crazy to move in such a short amount of time. i'm excited to buy new things for the new place lol.

in addition to all of this excitement and good news, i've also been seeing a really nice guy that i enjoy spending time with and who i really feel like myself around (finally!). it's still pretty early on, so i'm trying not to overthink things or spazz out, but just to enjoy it. it's nice to spend time with someone and not feel like i need to take care of them. it's also nice to feel like i don't have to do or be anything than what i am. i don't have to try to be smart, sexy, or funny; i just am. and, i'm starting to feel that way again. so that's fun and exciting too.

so yea, smiley face pretty much sums it all up.

:)

2008-07-23T21:42:00.001-05:00

2008-06-30T20:37:00.002-05:00

Sometimes in the morning, I am petrified and can't move.
Awake but cannot open my eyes.
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs. I know I can't breathe
And hope someone will save me this time.
And your mother's still calling you insane and high,
Swearing it's different this time.
And you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her,
And that god never blessed her insides.
Then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things,
And crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide and you loved things just because,
Like the sick and the dying.

And sometimes when you're on, you're really fucking on.
And your friends they sing along and they love you.
But the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap,
And it teases you for weeks in its absence.
But you'll fight and you'll make it through.
You'll fake it if you have to,
And you'll show up for work with a smile.
And you'll be be better, you'll be smarter,
More grown up, and a better daughter
Or son, and a real good friend.
And you'll be awake, you'll be alert.
You'll be positive though it hurts,
And you'll laugh and embrace all your friends.
And you'll be a real good listener,
You'll be honest, you'll be brave.
You'll be handsome, you'll be beautiful.
You'll be happy.

Your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below.
Your ship may be coming in.
You're weak, but not giving in.
And you'll fight it, you'll go out fighting all.

2008-06-30T20:19:00.001-05:00

ditto

2008-06-24T21:17:00.000-05:00

Kevin: What about you? You don’t have any needs?

Jane: No, I don’t. I’m Jesus.

~from the movie 27 Dresses

Indeed.

2008-06-22T22:01:00.002-05:00

"You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how."

~Gone with the Wind

cute and funny

2008-06-11T21:40:00.001-05:00

a-dawg sent me this one:

2008-05-31T14:12:00.001-05:00

apparently, i've got a thing for female british singers... i just discovered Adele and i think she is awesome.

Cold Shoulder

Chasing Pavement

i'm back!

2008-05-29T14:50:00.015-05:00

i've been MIA and for good reason... it's been a busy week. last saturday was the Rilo Kiley concert, which kicked ass. i had a fabulous time. the music was great and we picked a good spot to stand. Jenny Lewis has awesome hair of which i am supremely jealous.

i wish i had sexy, in-your-eyes bangs! i had lots to drink that night because i didn't have cash and forgot to ask if the bar took credit cards until *after* the bartender started pouring the booze. i was informed that i could only pay with credit card with a minimum purchase of $25. and, the atm was broken. oops :)

sunday i flew out to Seattle for the AIR conference. my flight was super early, and of course when i got home from the concert i was not fully packed and ready to go. i slept for 3 hours, woke up hung over, and headed to O'hare. not such a good way to travel, seeing as plane rides usually make me queasy when i'm not hungover. again: oops :)

i flew over pretty mountains, which was fun. i got to Seattle, checked into my hotel early, showered and felt better. my co-worker and i went out to lunch before registering for the conference and attending the new comers' meeting and opening reception. i was exhausted when i got back to my hotel and went to bed early. there was no time for fun on sunday.

monday i went to a bunch of conference presentations. my boss and co workers gave 2 presentations that i attended. i was done with conference stuff by 4:30 and i went out with ro (a-dawg's friend who is doing her clerkship for the summer in Seattle). ro was an awesome tour guide, even tho she'd only been in the city for about a week, lol. we met up at Pike Place Market, where i bought some souvenirs for a few people.

the market was crowded with people, and filled with tables and tables of fresh fruit, veggies, fish, and flowers. there were also plenty of people selling all kinds of arts and crafts. i got to watch the famous fishmongers who throw the fish across the counter to be packed up to go. after tossing a few fish back and forth, they threw a giant, stuffed animal fish out into the crowd (at a bunch of girls, of course, which made them all scream. ok, ok. i screamed too). this guy was my fave (he was cute!):

right outside the market is the location of the original Starbucks, which still has the original logo. we stopped there for a quick browse and ro got a drink.

from the market, ro and i headed to the pier to see about a ferry boat ride.

unfortunately things were closing down by that time, so we went to plan b: the Seattle Center. we walked up the ridiculously hilly streets to catch the monorail to the Seattle Center, where the Space Needle is located.

we decided to have dinner in the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle, but the earliest reservation we could get left us with over an hour to kill. fortunately, there was a festival going on, which made for the best people watching i've had in a LONG time. seriously, there were people square dancing on one side, and african drummers on the other. there was also a Wii tent set up for people to test out the Wii Fit. ro rocked at the balancing game, but i kicked ass at hula hooping. we shopped at the Space Needle gift shop and watched kids ride the amusement park rides. then ro decided that we must ride the Pirate Ship ride. i am surprised we fit and even more surprised they let us ride and didn't laugh at us!

we finally got to go up to the top of the Space Needle. it doesn't feel as tall from the top as it does from the bottom, but the view is awesome. we took pics and hung out on the observatory deck while they set up our table.

because the sun didn't set til very late, we got to see the view during the day and again after dinner when it was dark. this was very, very cool and helped make the pricey dinner worth the cost. (you don't have to pay to go to the observation deck if you eat at the restaurant). dinner was awesome. i had a seafood trio platter with salmon, shrimp and scallops. the restaurant is on a rotating platform and the outer wall is made entirely of windows. ro and i were lucky to get a table in the outer ring, right against a window. the platform moves really slowly, but during the course of your meal, you go around 360 degrees quite a few times. it's really fabulous, despite the motion sickness-y feeling it sometimes causes. finally, ro and i called it a night and took the monorail back to downtown Seattle. by the time i made it to my hotel monday night, i was exhausted!

tuesday was more conference-y stuff. at 5:00 my co-worker and i caught the last double decker bus tour of the day. the ticket machine broke so we got to ride for free. among the highlights of the tour were the Seattle Art Museum, which has a giant, moving sculpture in front of it:

the building that provided the exterior and helicopter pad for season 1 of Grey's Anatomy:

and the home of the Real World Seattle cast and the dock where the infamous slap occurred:

after the bus tour, my co-worker and i walked around a bunch. there are some crazy hilly street in Seattle and we had to climb a couple. we had a fantastic dinner at a restaurant called Etta's. i discovered that i like halibut and coconut cream pie (that's made with real coconut). i was skeptical about both, but the waiter assured me it would be great. and he was right. he was also cute. i enjoyed him, and the food. we did a ton more walking before i made to the hotel where i crashed from exhaustion.

wednesday was the last day of the conference. i only went to one session and took my time packing up and wandering around the city some more. i had to leave for the airport at 12, so it was a short day in Seattle. and today, it was back to the grind!

2008-05-18T22:11:00.003-05:00

a-dawg's mom has a really green thumb, so i asked for recommendations on a pretty but low maintenance (and hard to kill) plant to keep at work. she gave me some ideas, but then she also sent me a few plants, which was super nice and awesome!

this is the begonia she gave me (after lucy took a little chomp out of it; you can see the evidence on the counter). it's quite pretty even without the flowers.

she also gave me an impatiens...

... and some rosemary. a-dawg also insisted i get a cilantro plant when we went to Gethsemane, so i've got that too. should make for some very yummy recipes!

SO effing jealous...

2008-05-18T10:03:00.002-05:00

apparently, everyone but me got to go to see Flight of the Conchords last week, including The Watcher and Eddie Izzard!

and there are no good clips from the show available on youtube yet. :(

i did find this tho:

"Two guys in roller skates. That's way hotter than one!"

2008-05-14T21:09:00.004-05:00

i finally started a project i've been meaning to do since christmas... scanning my mom's collection of family photos. this is one of me and my mom that i keep coming back to:

i find my mom's expression really hard to read in this one. i wonder what she must be thinking at the time the picture was taken. i think about my mom at my age, with 3 kids between the ages of 4 and 9, and it blows my mind. i think about my parents having a kid and starting a family at the age of 16 and 19, and that also blows my mind. i don't know how we didn't all starve, or how they managed not to leave one of us on top of the car while driving off, or how they managed to keep us off the streets and away from drugs (neither of which were ever very far away at all) and keep us safe. it's just... mind blowing.

some things never change...

2008-05-13T22:45:00.002-05:00

i've always loved games (board games, card games, word games, you name it...) and i've always been goofy and fun about it...

settling down

2008-05-13T20:21:00.004-05:00

it's been over a month now since my promotion, and i feel like i am settling into my grownup job (with the accompanying grownup pay and benefits - yea, baby!). i think everything is just kind of settling down. i'm starting to feel more settled and comfortable in my own skin and just generally more like old myself. i'm feeling more secure and at peace with the mistakes i've made and the tough choices i've had to make (whether i like them or not) over the last year or so. i'm looking forward to settling into a new home in a few months. i guess i'm kind of finding a nice little groove. it feels good. i would even dare to say i feel somewhat content. i'm not blissfully happy or anything... not even close. but, i am kinda starting to feel satisfied with my own imperfect little corner of the world.

and, it's summer(ish), so i'm enjoying being out and about. i'm loving yoga, which is a total surprise, but hey, i'll take it. i'll probably take some (free! gotta love the perks of the job) community college classes this summer - probably Spanish. the Rilo Kiley and Feist concerts are coming up, which i am super excited about. not to mention going to Seattle twice this summer (once for work, once for fun). i thoroughly enjoyed getting rap revenge on my brother courtesy of Rap Master Maurice. so yea, things are pretty good and it looks like this will be a pretty good summer. so yay for keeping my chin up (just barely!) and surviving some of life's suckiest bits.

Feeling it from dark to bright
When a wrong becomes a right
When a mountain fills with light
It's a volcano, it's a volcano
It's a volcano, it's a volcano

So much present, inside my present
Inside my present
So, so much past

please remove the cutleries from my knees...

2008-05-04T23:02:00.001-05:00

2008-05-04T19:05:00.002-05:00

yesterday anna and i went on a fun adventure to find a wig shop on milwaukee and division. we had a fun time trying out different, new hair styles. we were actually in the neighborhood where i used to live as a kid. well, one of them, anyway. it is the neighborhood i'd lived in the longest (though not consecutively). my family lived in the lower level of this building:

the two lower window in the front are where our living room was. a lot of the buildings in the area have been replaced by condos, so i was surprised this one's still standing. they totally redid the face of the building tho, and i initially thought it had been torn down and replaced. but no, it's still there, and now it's got a shiny new front.

i think the wooden fence my dad built around the property while we lived there is still up too...

the first time i got to have my own room was while we lived here. my room was in the corner off of the living room, so the first window in the red brick portion was my bedroom window.

i always feel weird when i visit the old neighborhood. the last few times i've been back, i've noticed the gentrification, but it still surprises me to see the trendy little boutiques and coffee shops interspersed with the older, "ghetto" storefronts and restaurants. it's sad for the people who are getting pushed out, but at the same time, it's nice to go back and not feel unsafe. there's definitely a lot of mixed feelings about what's happened to the old neighborhood.

2008-04-24T14:51:00.002-05:00

love this song and totally just bought the entire album from itunes for this song...

also, love pandora, the online personalized radio station that actually works. i told it what songs/artists i've had on heavy rotation lately and it plays tons of great new music for me (including the song above) and old faves too. i rarely have to skip tracks, which i routinely do with other personalized music players. it was highly recommended to me by a friend, and now i highly recommend it to everyone else.

thanks, anna

2008-04-24T10:36:00.002-05:00

anna sent me this song today. it is a really good song, and it is just perfect for right now.

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds

2008-03-27T22:01:00.003-05:00

lucy says "ten more minutes, please".

2008-03-26T15:05:00.002-05:00

there are only 2 types of people in the world. and by world, i mean the little mini-world that i inhabit, which is the only world i know. those people are the people who bail on me and the people i take care of. some people are in both categories. i guess that means there are three types of people. in any case, is it any wonder that i hate the world?

2008-03-18T10:09:00.001-05:00

fuck you, world. yea, that's right. i said fuck you. and i don't feel sorry or guilty about it. i probably will later, but i don't right now. so there.

2008-03-17T21:52:00.001-05:00

2008-03-17T21:30:00.002-05:00

I did not lose myself all at once. I rubbed out my face over the years washing away my pain, the same way carvings on stone are worn down by water.

-Amy Tan

lucy "helps" with the laundry....

2008-03-16T23:23:00.002-05:00

hair today, gone tomorrow...

2008-03-16T19:39:00.005-05:00

st baldrick's was friday. it was a great and overwhelming experience. there were lots of people. lots of new people. lots of noise, lots of things going on. lots of excitement. it was kind of a stimulus overload for me. i'm really glad i participated tho. i am really proud of how well our team did (over $36,000 raised, 9 bald heads, and 22 inches of hair donated -- wow!), and how brave everyone on the team who shaved their heads are. people have really cute heads! who knew? it was a little disappointing that people who were supposed to show up either didn't or bailed early. but, what can you do? see previous post re: people sucking.

i am also relieved to be rid of my hair. i donated two ponytails of 11 inches each. lol, it feels a little like missing a body part sometimes. i'd developed this habit when i don't know what to do with my hands where i stand with my hands behind my back and tug on or play with the ends of my hair. now when i reach back, there's nothing there. i wonder what replacement fidgety behavior i'll come up with.

yesterday, i spent 3 hours at mario tricoci. i got a facial, which was awesome. then i got my hair cut. someone else washed my hair for me for the first time in over 2 years! it was heavenly. i love the lady who did my hair. she didn't really cut much -- she kept the length the same, but added some layers. however, she did a fantabulous job styling my hair. my curls have never, ever looked so good. i will be returning to her for sure. then, either because it came with the facial or because i was a new customer, i got a free makeup consultation. so basically, i got a makeover yesterday, lol. it was nice. on my way home from the salon, i think i decided that i prefer people i pay to do things for me so much better than all other people. they do what i want, and make me look pretty and feel good. what's not to love?

for anna, who doesnt believe in the "if you dont have anything nice to say" principle

2008-03-12T21:33:00.002-05:00

life sucks. life sucks because people suck. my friends say it will get better. i don't believe them, but i love them for saying it anyway. someday, they'll probably have a chance to say "i told you so", but not any time soon.

there's nothing worth saying; there's nothing to say that matters. nothing's changed.

i need to be friends with jemaine!

2008-03-10T20:09:00.001-05:00

for realz

2008-03-05T08:56:00.001-06:00

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

rilo kiley - silver lining

2008-02-25T22:19:00.000-06:00

here's to hoping...

2008-02-20T21:22:00.002-06:00

Fiona Apple - Better Version of Me

The nickel dropped
When I was on
My way beyond
The Rubicon
What did I do

And of the games that I can handle
None are ones worth the candle
What can I do

I'm a frightened, fickle person
Fighting, cryin', kickin', cursin'
What should I do

Oooh, after all the folderol,
And hauling over coals stops
What will I do

Can't take a good day without a bad one
Don't feel just to smile until I've had one
Where did I learn

I make a fuss about a little thing
The rhyme is losing to the riddling
Where's the turn

I don't want a home, I'd ruin that
Home is where my habits have a habitat
Why give it a turn

Oh, after all the folderol
And hauling over coals stops
What did I learn

I am likely to miss the main event
If I stop to cry or complain again
So I will keep a deliberate pace
Let the damned breeze dry my face

Oh, mister, wait until you see
What I'm gonna be

I've got a plan, a demand and it just began
And if you're right, you'll agree

Here's coming a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me

Lifehouse - Broken

2008-02-20T18:49:00.001-06:00

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating...

Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have to Love

2008-02-17T19:35:00.001-06:00

I want a lover I don’t have to love.
I want a girl who is too sad to give a fuck.
Where’s the kid with the chemicals?
I thought he said to meet him here but I’m not sure…

I want a lover I don’t have to love.
I want a boy who is so drunk that he doesn’t talk.
Where is the kid with the chemicals?
I have got a hunger and I can’t seem to get full.

I need some meaning I can memorize.
The kind I have always seems to slip my mind…

But life is no storybook.
Love is an excuse to get hurt
And to hurt.

Do you like to hurt?
I do, I do.
Then hurt me.

Imogen Heap - Speeding Cars

2008-02-17T18:37:00.001-06:00

The paper cuts, the cheating lovers
The coffee’s never strong enough
I know you think it’s more than just bad luck

There, there, baby
It’s just text book stuff
It’s in the ABC of growing up
Now, now, darlin’
Oh don’t lose your head
'Cause none of us were angels

happy valentine's day...

2008-02-14T12:22:00.000-06:00

more humorous pics

i dig it

2008-02-12T15:17:00.001-06:00

2008-02-11T23:03:00.000-06:00

how awesome would it be to have a president who could be remembered for having said things like, "In the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope." rather than a president who will be known best for saying things like, "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" and "There's an old saying in Tennessee—I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee—that says, fool me once, shame on—shame on you. Fool me—you can't get fooled again."

2008-02-11T22:05:00.000-06:00

this pretty much sums up how i feel about dating right now:

Can't knock em out, can't walk away.
Try desperately to think of the politest way to say,
Just get out my face, just leave me alone,
And no you can't have my number,
"Why?"
Because I've lost my phone....
Go away now, let me go.
Are you stupid? Or just a little slow?
Go away now I've made myself clear,
Nah it's not gonna happen,
Not in a million years.

adawg and i tried to find a website that will dump someone for you by email. didn't find it, but i did find this site which has a list of break up lines. my faves?

"I really feel that we have major differences...I like playing the accordian, and growing pot...you don't."

and

"I'm really sorry to have messed you about, but being with you has made me realise that I am gay and I can't string you along anymore."

2008-01-28T12:47:00.001-06:00

today at work, i loudly proclaimed "i'm a coke addict" in the breakroom.

gotta work on choosing my words a bit more carefully...

PSA

2008-01-25T09:53:00.000-06:00

i just want to take this moment to publicly announce that my sister is awesome. you won't hear me say this often, so take note -- my sister actually rocks!

last night (when i last blogged) i was at 75% of my St Baldrick's goal. this morning i was at 90%. the reason: my sister donated (as much as her poor, college student pockets could manage, which makes it even more awesome that she donated at all) AND she inspired a few other people to donate also!

so, my sister is rockingly awesome. there, i said it.

update

2008-01-24T20:44:00.000-06:00

sometimes i have moments where i think "where the hell did the last few hours/days/weeks/months gone?" this is where keeping a blog comes in handy. today i was looking over my last several posts, kinda trying to process the last few weeks. here are some updates...

i did, in fact, get the tv armoire i wanted. here's what it looks like:

i tried to disguise as much as possible that my place is a horrible mess right now. oh well, i still love my new tv stand!

i sent out my st baldrick's email and i've reached 75% of my goal! i'm excited about how well that's going. i'm not raising millions of dollars, or even thousands, but i am accomplishing what i set out to do, and doing a little bit of good. lots of little bits add up to something big, right?

i started my ceramics class, which i LOVE. it is seriously, majorly happy making. i was at the studio all day on sunday. it was my first time using the wheel and although i expected to have a preference for handbuilding, i thoroughly enjoyed it. when i get some finished pieces, i'll post some pics... even if they're ugly :)

and finally, my new year resolutions. i won't go into too much detail here, except to say i actually have been keeping up with them here and there. not perfectly so, but i haven't forgotten them *and* i've actually made little bits of progress at them. go me.

success

2008-01-24T19:23:00.000-06:00

i saw this on a magnet today:

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
-Emerson

i bought it for myself.

Things I Love and Things I Hate...

2008-01-22T09:38:00.000-06:00

HATE: people who feed the pigeons at Quincy

i really hate when people feed pigeons (with the exception of people who do it in parks. whatever, you expect pigeons and whatnot in parks. so, fine.) some jackass(es) leave food out for the pigeons at the Quincy station. they don't just sprinkle a few crumbs out - they actually carpet 2 - 3 feet of the sidewalk with food for these birds. the entire block of sidewalk is covered in bird shit. all the commuters who are dashing off to work (including me) have to practically climb over the stupid birds. pigeons are scavengers, so let them fucking scavenge, for goodness sake! if you want to feed the birds for entertainment's sake, then do it at the park! seriously, what is wrong with people? HATE!

LOVE: continuous wear contacts

i wear Acuvue 2 contacts (love 'em!) and recently discovered they can be worn as continuous wear contacts for 7 days (as opposed to taking them out each night for 2 weeks, as i usually do). you know how people say "in theory something is good, but in practice it's not"? well, this is a case of the opposite -- in theory, continuous wear contacts kind of freak me out. it seems gross to wear contacts continuously and not clean them. also, if i nap during the day with my contacts on, they usually get dry and suction-cup themselves to my eyeballs - not fun or comfortable. i figured sleeping in them for 8 hours or so couldn't be a good idea.

well, i tried it for the last week, and oh my god, i love it! in theory, not so swell -- in practice, abso-freakin-lutely awesome! if i wake up in the middle of the night, i can see! when the alarm goes off, i can see! there's never any point in time when i cannot see! i can ALWAYS see!!! for the most part, it's really pretty comfortable. when i first wake up, there's a few minutes of suction-cup-ness. but, a splash of water or a couple of eye drops, and i'm good to go. i'm still a little freaked about damaging my eyes in any way (i have eye/vision issues, if you hadn't noticed) so i'll probably alternate continuous wear with glasses and non-continuous wear. but still, it sure is nice to know i can pretend to be a perfectly-sighted person for a while whenever i want to! LOVE!

St Baldrick's Fundraiser

2008-01-16T22:39:00.000-06:00

As many people already know, I am participating in St Baldrick's, which is a fund raiser for childhood cancer research. St Baldrick's participants shave their heads or cut their hair to demonstrate solidarity with children who have cancer and often lose their hair during treatment, while also raising funds for research.

I haven't had a haircut in well over a year and it has grown very long! I plan to cut between 12 to 18 inches of hair for St Baldrick's on March 14, 2008. This hair will then be donated to Locks of Love, an organization that makes wigs for children who've lost their hair for a variety of medical reasons. I am part of a team called Nathan's Network. My teammates will be shaving/cutting their hair to raise money also. Our team is named in honor of a good friend's nephew who lost his battle with Neuroblastoma (a childhood cancer) last summer.

My goal is to raise $500 for St Baldrick's by March 14 and I need your help! If you are able and willing, a donation of any amount would be greatly appreciated and put to good use to help fund childhood cancer research. If you or anyone you know would be interested in donating, please visit my St Baldrick's donation page. Spread the word - tell your friends and family about St Baldrick's!

Whether or not you're able to donate, you are also most welcome to attend the St Baldrick's event from noon til 6pm on March 14, 2008 at Fado's Irish Pub in downtown Chicago (100 W. Grand). You'll get to witness the Nathan's Network team lose their hair! I hope to see you there!

Please feel free to contact me if you have any questions or would like more information!

Thanks for your help and support!

It’s bring your neurosis to work day!

2008-01-16T11:20:00.000-06:00

sometimes i will impulsively feel the need to clean, often to bring some sense of order to life. usually its no biggie - it ends up just being an impromptu version of my weekly (or biweekly depending on how busy/lazy i am) house cleaning regimen. other times it gets to be a little ridiculous. like how i decided to move large pieces of furniture around - and oooh! let me vacuum and dust these places while i'm at it! - right before having a friend over for dinner in the middle of a saturday evening. sorry, anna! i did manage to get the furniture back into order enough that we had a place to sit, at least.

well, now i feel the need to do this at work today. so instead of working on any number of tasks (and there is no end to my to do list at work these days) i need to do, i am gonna spend a little time clean up my desk, because it is driving me a little nutty.

also, can i just say i love those clorox wipe things? oh, and i hate how god awful computer keyboards are to clean!

ok, fine, so maybe i was a little nutty to begin with...

:)

2008-01-08T16:23:00.000-06:00

today i was checking out some websites via IndieFinds.com (anna told me about this one. love, love, love the website; love, love, love anna).

i absolutely covet these gorgeous jewely trays from Shevon Gant Ceramics. i also love just about everything from Little Flower Designs, but especially these tiles -- they'd look really cute in my bathroom or hanging on the wall near my bed.

all this pining over cute ceramics reminded me that i still haven't signed up for the ceramics class i've been wanting to take at Lillstreet Art Center. so i called and found out they changed their website, which is why for the last 2 months whenever i check, the schedule is outdated. so, i signed up! unfortunately the class i really REALLY want to take started yesterday (what luck, eh?) but, i did sign up for a shorter, introductory class that starts sunday. yay! soon i'll be making my own cute accessories and home decor!

resolutions

2008-01-02T13:15:00.000-06:00

resolution:

A resolve or determination; the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc; the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute, firmness of purpose.

resolution. (n.d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1). Retrieved January 02, 2008, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/resolution

I don't remember ever really being gung-ho about new year resolutions. Whenever I've made them, they've been the generic ones everyone else also makes. I never thought them out or cared much. I pretty much forget what they are and just don't think of them beyond January 2nd. But this year, there are a lot of things that i feel strongly about accomplishing, including:

1. Being healthier. Eat better and work out more, those are a given. But also, my goal is to stop living like I don't have health insurance. Because now I do, which means I don't have to wait til I'm dying to go to the doctor. And, I also want to try to do a better job of taking care of myself emotionally.

2. Be more organized and neat. I live in a small space and can't afford the clutter; the disorganization just makes me anxious. After recently having to share my apartment and feeling like I didn't want to come home at the end of the day, making my place feel home-y is especially important to me right now. I've gotten a head start on this. I've started throwing away stuff I don't need (why do I need a corny glass from the Rain Forest Cafe when I never use it and can't remember purchasing it or receiving it as a gift?!), doing some heavy duty cleaning & organizing (I cleaned out and organized my kitchen cupboards, hung some hooks, cleaned my oven, and cleaned out the fridge. Not a bad start!). I also got some new, pretty storage/shelf things and the new (very cute) TV stand is on its way.

3. Be more financially responsible. This is gonna be a tough one. I'd like to be better about sticking to a budget. I have a budget, have had one for a long time, and keep it updated and current. But I never use it. It's for looks only, which is not exactly the point. This means that once I've already spent the amount I've allotted for fun stuff, I have to say no to fun spending. Saving is also a new focus for me. I've been working on that for a little while and doing well, I just need to keep it up.

4. Be happier. Less moping. More fun stuff. This means taking that ceramics class I've been wanting to take for over a year, taking the belly dance classes that I like, reading for fun more. Doing things that make me feel good. I know this seems like it is in direct conflict with the previous resolution, but it's not really. Because to me, part of the point of doing the work of saving money (and for me, it is indeed work) is to be able to do or have the things that are important to you.

5. Spend more quality time with family and friends. I definitely pulled away and distanced myself from people this last year. In part, it was an effort to maintain the illusion that I am strong, I am ok, I don't need anyone's help. It also had a lot to do with the overwhelming sense that people suck and can't be trusted. But, I am extremely lucky to have a handful of really spectacular friends. So I'm going to try not to shut them out, even when the going gets tough and I'm having a hard time. Over the holidays, I also got a reminder of how enjoyable time with my family can be. Not just my immediate family, but some of my extended family that I don't always do a good job of keeping in touch with. So, I'll try.

I know new year resolutions have a bad rap. People joke about how they don't last, etc. and, I've always been one to bash them myself. But this year, for the first time ever probably, I actually do have new year resolutions.

Here’s to 2008...

2008-01-01T20:39:00.000-06:00

Cake, I Will Survive

Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?
Oh no, not I.
I will survive,
As long as I know how to love, I know I'll be alive.
I've got all my life to live.
I've got all my love to give.
I will survive.

India Arie, There’s Hope

There's hope.
It doesn't cost a thing to smile.
You don't have to pay to laugh.
You better thank God for that.

The Kooks, See the World

Do you want to see the world?
Do you want to see the world?
Do you want to see the world?
In a different way, yeah.

2007 in review...

2008-01-01T20:20:00.000-06:00

Tegan and Sara, Where Does the Good Go?

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?
Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive.
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go.
Look me in the eye and promise no love's like our love.
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won't happen.

My Chemical Romance, I’m Not OK

I'm okay!
I'm okay, now.
But you really need to listen to me,
Because I'm telling you the truth.
I mean this, I'm okay!
Trust me.
I'm not okay.
I'm not okay.
Well, I'm not okay.
I'm not o-fucking-kay.

The Fray, How to Save a Life

As he begins to raise his voice,
You lower yours and grant him one last choice.
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed.
He will do one of two things:
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness.
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Rilo Kiley, Portions for Foxes

There's blood in my mouth cuz I’ve been biting my tongue all week.
I keep on talking trash, but I never say anything.
And the talking leads to touching,
And the touching leads to sex,
And then there is no mystery left.
And it's bad news, baby I’m bad news.
I'm just bad news, bad news, bad news.
I know I’m alone if I’m with or without you,
But just being around you offers me another form of relief.
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams,
And the bad dreams lead me to calling you,
And I call you and say "C'mere!"

The Zutons, Pressure Point

I can't get this pressure point out of my head.
I can't get this pressure point out of my head.
I feel it in work, you know, I feel it in bed.
I can't get this pressure point out of my head.
Pressure pressure pressure pressure...
Pressure Pressure Pressure Pressure...

Amy Winehouse, Rehab

The man said, 'Why do you think you here?'
I said, 'I got no idea.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna lose my baby
so I always keep a bottle near.'
He said, 'I just think you’re depressed.
Kiss me, yeah baby, and go rest'.
They tried to make me go to rehab but I said 'No, no, no.'
Yes, I've been black, but when I come back you'll know, know, know.
I don't ever wanna drink again.
I just, ooh I just need a friend,
I'm not gonna spend ten weeks
have everyone think I'm on the mend,
It's not just my pride,
It's just 'til these tears have dried.

Feist, Limit to Your Love

There's a limit to your love
Like a waterfall in slow motion
Like a map with no ocean
There's a limit to your love.
There's a limit to you care
So carelessly there
Is it truth or dare
There's a limit to your care.
I love, I love, I love
This dream of going upstream.
I love, I love, I love
The trouble that you give me.
I know, I know, I know
That only I can save me.
I'll go, I'll go, I'll go
Right down the road.

Beyonce, Me Myself & I

Me, myself, and I
That's all I got in the end.
That's what I found out.
And it ain't no need to cry.
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend.

India Arie, The Heart of the Matter

I've been learning to live without you now,
But I miss you sometimes.
The more I know, the less I understand.
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again.
I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter.
But I think it's about forgiveness,
Forgiveness,
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.

Amy Winehouse, You Should Be Stronger Than Me

You should be stronger than me.
You been here 7 years longer than me.
Don't you know you're supposed to be the man,
Not pale in comparison to who you think I am.
You always wanna talk it through - I don't care!
I always have to comfort you when I'm there.
But that's what I need you to do - stroke my hair!

CSS, Fuck Off is Not the Only Thing You Have to Show

You wake up
You don't wanna live today.
You make up
You wanna look good again.
You break up
You feel like crashing down.
You go to work
You wanna skip this round right now.
Right no-o-o-o-ow
Right now
Right no-o-o-o-ow
You feel like you wanna change your life today.
You feel bad cuz you didn't make it yesterday.
You fall back
You think you ain't enough.
You fall down
It's hard to get
Up alone
Alo-o-o-o-one
Up alone
Alo-o-o-o-one
Fuck off is not the only thing you have to show
Fuck off is not the only thing you have to show
Fuck off is not the only thing you have to show
Fuck off is not the only thing you have to show...

Matchbox 20, How Far We’ve Come

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know.
Then I can't remember caring for an hour or so.
Started crying and I couldn't stop myself.
I started running but there's no where to run to.
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself,
Said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell.
Say all goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to.
I believe the world is burning to the ground.
Oh well, I guess we're gonna find out.
Let's see how far we've come (right now),
Let's see how far we've come.
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end.
Oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend.
Let's see how far we've come,
Let's see how far we've come.

excited ramblings

2007-12-26T09:02:00.001-06:00

so christmas turned out to be really low key and rather enjoyable. saturday was the annual holiday grab bag with my mom's side of the family. they are all so goofy and fun; i need to spend more time with them. my mom and i took a TONS of pics, and everyone is smiling and laughing and having a good time. the highlight was my bro dressing up as santa. he made an excellent santa and the kids loved it.

xmas eve morning was a little bit of a rushed craze, but i was at my mom's around noon, and was in a silly mood. we spent the afternoon preparing food, and snacking on food, and preparing food to snack on, lol. a-dawg stopped by to have dinner with us and she brought tons of yummy cookies and homemade pumpkin pie. there was one moment when the desire to punch a particular person in the eye almost got the better of me, but the feeling soon passed. xmas morning we opened presents. i got to wear the santa hat and pass out the gifts. i gave everyone each one present at a time, and then made them play games to see who would open a gift first in each round. the best was paper/rock/scissors, which my grandma just didn't get at all, lol. we wrapped things up by going to see Sweeney Todd. all in all, a good xmas.

oh oh oh! AND, my apartment is all mine again! joy! really, no one should ever have to share a studio apartment with anyone whom they would rather push out of a window than spend 3 weeks attached to the hip with. i mean, not that'd i'd push that person out of a window... i'm just saying, is all...

anywho, i have never been so excited to go home and clean before. you know, the whole nesting and making a cozy home thing. plus, mom's helping me get a new tv stand/entertainment center as part of my xmas gift (my mom really does rock, people!). i think this is the one i want. if my tv fits in it. so i'm all exciting about home-y, decorating stuff and i think one of my goals for this year will be to fix my place up. you know, actually hang the cute stuff i've bought and made on the walls; clean up my closets and sort out my clothes so that my clean laundry does not live in piles on the futon forever; get organized - that kind of stuff. feeling homeless and not having a place to run away to for 3 weeks certainly makes one appreciate having a place of their own, for sure!

also, i got a Rules of the Road book. so who knows, i might actually learn to drive this year! well, next year, which is in like a week, so whatever. and i'm really excited to sign up for my ceramics class, which i've wanted to take for months and months. but yea, i'm feeling kind of good and hopeful and optimistic about 2008 being a better year. it's kind of starting to feel like a chance to start sort of new. and certainly, it couldn't be any worse than this last year, right?

waiting to go home...

2007-12-20T11:09:00.000-06:00

“There's nothing half so pleasant as coming home again.”
~ Margaret Elizabeth Sangster

"By home, we mean a place in which the mind can settle… a refuge to which we flee in the expectation of finding those calm pleasures, those soothing kindnesses, which are the sweetness of life."
~ James Bean

"He is the happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

leave already

2007-12-19T09:24:00.000-06:00

"I burn, burn like a wicker cabinet.
Chalk white and oh - so - frail.
I see our time has gotten stale.
The tick - tock of the clock is painful, all sane and logical.
I wanna tear it off the wall.
I hear words in clips and phrases,
I think sick like ginger ale.
My stomach turns and I exhale...

I would swallow my pride,
I would choke on the rinds,
but the lack thereof would leave me empty inside.
I would swallow my doubt, turn it inside out,
find nothing but faith in nothing.
Wanna put my tender heart in a blender,
watch it spin round to a beautiful oblivion."

~Eve 6, "Inside Out"

as if i need any motivation to be angry all the time...

2007-12-10T21:10:00.000-06:00

this makes me wish someone would choreograph an angry dance for me!

the mother flippin'

2007-12-10T20:56:00.000-06:00

this is the most mother flippin' awesome thing ever!!

"Yes, sometimes my lyrics are sexist. But you lovely bitches and hoes should know I'm trying to correct this."

a fun live version with some extra fun bits:

"Sometimes when I freestyle, I lose confidence."

so positive, you'll wanna puke...

2007-12-04T17:24:00.000-06:00

my good friend (tho that phrase doesnt do her justice because she is incredibly, super-duper awesome) has been working on positive thinking, focusing on the positive, etc. i am trying to be supportive of this for 2 reasons: 1) because im just a rockin' friend like that (one without any degree of humbleness right now, apparently, lol) and 2) because i could probably maybe benefit from doing the same. so... in support of this positive thinking campaign, ill start this entry on a positive note. and if i fail, well you know, i tried. so whatever.

my birthday sucked ass (i know this is not sounding positive but just bear with me). i couldnt sleep the night before. i was late to work. i didnt have time to shower in the morning. i looked and felt awful. i spent more of my workday holding back tears than actually working. i wanted to cancel my birthday celebration plans and hide under a rock. and truthfully, the only reason i didnt do so was it seemed like too bratty/tantrum-y a thing to do.

but, i sucked it up and i went out with my friends and my sister and i had a genuinely wonderful time. it wasnt fun or nice; it was awesome. i felt good - happy, even - in a way i havent in a long time.. the kind of good and happy that makes you feel light as a feather. i felt more like myself than i have been feeling lately. so, i am really grateful for that.

also, i spent time with my mom over the weekend. we had breakfast at mcdonalds before heading out to the mall for some heavy-duty shopping. i ordered the cinnamon bun thing (because cinnamon and frosting -- whats not to love?). while we were eating, my mom got this goofy smile on her face so i asked her what was up. she laughed and said that sometimes when i am excited about something, my eyes twinkle. (its so corny that she said that, but so cute!) i dont know exactly what that means... but it is nice to know im still capable of twinkly-eyed-ness (even if its just over breakfast pastries, lol).

girly squee-ing

2007-11-25T22:45:00.000-06:00

i went on a pre-birthday mini shopping spree today. one of my purchases was a pair of super girly, super cute heels. i dont know that i have anything to wear them with or any place to wear them to. my feet will probably hate me every time i wear them. BUT, they were on sale, and i can walk in them without dying (probably). even if i just wear them at home while im wearing my pajamas, i love them.

lol, it seems like lately gluttonous materialism is the only pick-me-upper that works. thats kinda... well, it is what it is, i guess.

2007-11-24T00:21:00.000-06:00

Tegan and Sara, You Wouldn't Like Me

"There's a war inside of me.
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song?
Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground?
I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.
And I can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound.
And you haven't called me in weeks and honestly, it's bringing me down.
Oh, I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.
I, I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me..."

2007-11-19T21:53:00.000-06:00

"There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses."
~Randy K. Milholland

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."
~Frank Crane

"A man who doesn't trust himself can never truly trust anyone else."
~Cardinal de Retz

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust."
~Samuel Johnson

2007-11-18T22:43:00.000-06:00

CSS, Fuck Off is Not the Only Thing You Have to Show

you wake up
you don't wanna live today
you make up
you wanna look good again
you break up
you feel like crashing down
you go to work
you wanna skip this round right now
right no-o-o-o-ow
right now
right no-o-o-o-ow

you feel like you wanna change your life today
you feel bad cuz you didn't make it yesterday
you fall back
you think you ain't enough
you fall down
it's hard to get
up alone
alo-o-o-o-one
up alone
alo-o-o-o-one

fuck off is not the only thing you have to show
fuck off is not the only thing you have to show
fuck off is not the only thing you have to show
fuck off is not the only thing you have to show...

tired of whys, choking on whys

2007-11-14T08:20:00.000-06:00

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still.
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am.
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will.
Fast as you can, baby run free yourself of me
Fast as you can.
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win.
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man.
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin,
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can.
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can.
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does.
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was.
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs.
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because.
I let the beast in and then
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon.
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land.
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within.
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can...

2007-11-12T15:32:00.000-06:00

want and more want.

2007-11-09T22:15:00.000-06:00

I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour and I
started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

But I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
then I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say all goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come (right now)
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

Its gone gone baby its all gone
there is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you
well its gone gone baby its all gone
there's no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you

I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come, again
let's see how far we've come…

2007-11-09T21:33:00.000-06:00

turns out the convincing myself its ok to make an ass of myself was unnecessary. i went to my first conference for work, and i made a presentation there. it turned out pretty well. i managed to not only avoid looking like an ass, but i actually did sorta sound like i know some useful things - go me! i looked all grown up in my first ever real business suit. i got to stay in a really nice hotel for a couple of days. all in all, it was a really good experience. i worked my ass off the last 2 weeks, staying at work til 8 and coming in on weekends -- i stressed so much over this, but it ended up being a good experience. and i am exhausted now, but pleased with the outcome overall.

trying to convince myself...

2007-11-05T09:34:00.000-06:00

its ok if i make an ass of myself. it doesnt bother me. its no big deal. lots of people do it all the time. whatever, i dont care.

2007-10-30T20:19:00.000-05:00

I can't get this pressure point out of my head
I can't get this pressure point out of my head
I feel it in work, you know, I feel it in bed
I can't get this pressure point out of my head
I've paid all my bills and I've acted so well
Ain't been cheating, there's nothing to tell
So why all this pressure, I dont understand
I call on my neighbours, and lend them a hand

Doctor, oh doctor, I'm willing to learn
Well all of my bones, well they toss and they turn
Mother, oh mother, I'm begging you please
To rid me of madness and cure this disease

Maybe I told ya what I have become
With all of this pressure, my mind's on a run
Why maybe its changing, let's hope for the best
Maybe it's something to get off my chest

Doctor, oh doctor, I'm begging you please
To rid me of madness and cure this disease
Mother, oh mother, I'm willing to learn
Well all of my bones, well they toss and they turn

pressure pressure pressure pressure...
PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE...
Pressure pressure pressure pressure...
PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE...

Blink 182 - Shut Up

2007-10-29T11:46:00.000-05:00

"Shut the fuck up, she said, I'm going fucking deaf.
You're always too loud, everything's too loud.
Now that all my friends left, this place is fucking dead.
I wanna move out, when can we move out? This shit has got to stop.

I'll run away.

Get the fuck up, she said,
Your life is meaningless,
It's going nowhere, you're going nowhere.
You're just a fuck up ,she said, I'll live alone instead.
She said you don't care, I know I don't care.

I'll never ask permission from you,
Fuck off I'm not listening to you.
I'm not coming home, I'm never going to come back home.

I got too fucked up again, and passed out on the plane.
Try to forget you, I can't forget you.
No sleep on this flight, I'll think about the nights
We had to get through. How did we get through?

I'll never ask permission from you,
Fuck off I'm not listening to you.
I'm not coming home, I'm never going to come back home.

I'll run away.
I think it's time that I should leave.
I think it's time that I should leave.
I think it's time that I should leave.
I think it's time that I should leave.

I'll never ask permission from you,
Fuck off i'm not listening to you.
I'm not coming home, I'm never going to come back home.

I'll run away.
I think it's time for me to leave..."

2007-10-24T21:53:00.000-05:00

i found this today and it reminded me how much i love mary lynn rajskub, so i had to rewatch some of the other hilarious stuff she did...

i think i died and went to heaven....

2007-10-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

what an absolutely fan-freaking-tastic weekend...and its not even sunday yet! last night i hung out with a-dawg and her new law school friends, who seemed really cool and i enjoyed meeting. we had pizza and some booze and then went to dave & buster's where lots of silly-ness ensued. fun times!

today was shopping with mom. originally the plan was shopping and a movie, but we shopped til we dropped. i spent an OBSCENE amount of money, which was completely unplanned. i cant remember the last time i spent this much money in such a short amount of time. but god, it felt good! most people have heard of serotonin and dopamine -- those happy little neurotransmitter/hormone things that flood your brain with feel-good-ness. well, i think someone should research whatever neurotransmitter it is that gives me a buzz when i go on a shopping spree. seriously. and if no one has done this yet, i call dibs on naming it. shop-atonin or sho-pamine or something. i dont care what it is, it just feels good.

and it was such an overwhelmingly positive shopping experience too! sometimes i feel too guilty about spending money on myself or bad about how things fit to have a completely blissful shopping experience. but today was all about the bliss - i just hit the jackpot! for example, since i am kinda in between sizes, finding jeans that arent too tight but not too baggy/frumpy either is a challenge. but i found some awesome jeans today (which prompted my mom to comment on how nice my ass looked...i love her!). and this red pea coat that ive been drooling over online is finally mine. it is super cute and will make a good fall/early winter coat. and i got a suit for my conference presentation that i am pretty happy with. and a bunch of other awesome stuff!

my mom and i decided to shop at the mall where my brother works at one of the cell phone kiosk things. we stopped by to say hi and my brother was all handsome and grownup looking. every time i see him i cant believe he is dressing himself! but, he insists that he is. its not just that he's wearing slacks, and button up shirts with ties (tho that always manages to surprise me). its the color combinations and level of style that he continues to impress me with. anyhow, we watched him work for a bit while we waited for him to get his lunch break so we could eat with him. it was funny cuz he could tell we were staring at him from across the way while he was working, and in turn we could tell when he became aware of us staring at him.

anyhow, it was a good day. im gonna shut my happy little materialistic self up now...

ha ha!!

2007-10-16T08:32:00.000-05:00

i ordered my hoodie! last night when i checked before bed (some time between 10 and 11pm) they had plenty of my size left. as of a 8:30 this morning (when i purchased mine!) they only had a few left! phew!

a sign from god, or something...

2007-10-15T22:03:00.000-05:00

i just got an email from threadless.com informing me that on Oct 16 (tomorrow!) all hoodies will be $25 (marked down from $40!!).

i am totally buying this "bad apple" hoodie.

i really REALLY want the tshirt version, but its not clear they will actually reprint it...and nearly half price for the hoodie? plus, it is just in time for the fall weather that finally decided to grace chicago. this hoodie is so mine! joy!

that makes for 2 threadless purchases in 2 days, and 3 snarky clothing purchases for the month. must reign in shopping impulses! but, not today (or tomorrow!).

2007-10-15T12:42:00.000-05:00

ive always been a fan of sarcasm and snark, but lately my appreciation of smart-ass-y tshirts has been at an all time high.

i just bought a new shirt from threadless, which i am excited about. for the last week or two, ive been checking glarkware.com and threadless.com everyday for new items. today i hit the jackpot, hence my repeat on impulsive online tshirt buying.

i am desperately wanting this one from threadless! its out of print, but i have been voting to have them reprint it. if they dont, i may eventually buckle and buy the hoodie version, since thats all they have. i would even settle for the guy/unisex style tshirt instead of the girlie tshirt, but alas, they dont have those either.

2007-10-11T21:01:00.000-05:00

in honor of andy's song tonight :)

2007-10-04T19:28:00.000-05:00

i really shouldnt find this funny, but i do. oopsies.

ps

2007-10-04T11:14:00.001-05:00

and also, i am WAY excited about the new widget at the top of my blog with Office video clips.

what can i say, i wear my obsession(s) on my sleeve. or my blog at least.

Ask me about the cool new shirt i bought myself...

2007-10-04T11:11:00.000-05:00

anna requested a new post. this is the best i can do for now.

look at the cool new shirt i recently impulse shopped for! :)

food for thought

2007-09-17T21:59:00.000-05:00

"If you want peace, stop fighting. If you want peace of mind, stop fighting with your thoughts." - Peter McWilliams

"If you haven't forgiven yourself something, how can you forgive others?" - Dolores Huerta

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi

"Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you." - Carl Sandburg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
when it's not me that needs to do the forgiving, it seems easy enough, it makes plenty of sense. forgiveness is good. it's good for you. forgiveness does not make it ok, does not excuse it. but it does mean letting go of the burden and weight of resentment and anger. and, most of the time, i really do believe that forgivness is often more about the forgiver than the forgivee. it's not even necessarily important that the forgivee know they've been forgiven. in fact, if the forgiver has some specific need for the forgivee to know they've been forgiven....well, that suggests something besides forgiveness might be at play there.

so, that's how i feel about it. that's what i believe. but when it is me that needs to do the forgiving, it is hard to let go of the angry side of me that thinks "but they don't deserve forgiveness". there's just the tiniest whisper of a voice in my head that has sense enough to say "but you do".

2007-09-16T12:12:00.000-05:00

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts." - Bertrand Russell

i must be a genuis.

2007-09-12T20:24:00.000-05:00

another great essay, A Four-Letter Word, from Sars (Sarah Bunting of Tomatonation.com).

here's a clip from the beginning:

Ah, "slut." A compact little word, forceful even in the way it sounds, starting out with a hissing sibilant and pushing off of the tongue through the L and U, and then that nastily crisp T. "Slut." Say it a few times out loud. Roll it around in your mouth. "Sssslut." "Sss…lllut." Say it again. Notice that it's difficult — almost impossible, in fact — to pronounce it neutrally. It's got a sneer built into it, that word. It's not as twangy and unthreatening as "tramp." It's not as easy to yell as "whore." "Whore" is built for screaming rage and dishes flying through the air, with a nice gusty H at the front and a big old roaring R bringing up the rear. Not "slut," though. "Slut" is muttered. "Slut" is whispered. "Whore" comes in like a punch, but "slut" tingles, like a slap. "Slut" hides behind the teeth. "Slut" is for when your back is turned.

"Slut" is for when you don't act like a lady. "Slut" is for when you sit with your legs apart. "Slut" is for when you wear it short, tight, without a bra, cut up high and down low and around the side, because, see, "slut" is also for when you have the nerve to enjoy your body in front of women who hate their own bodies. Don't strut. Don't dance with soul, or lick your lips. Don't look too good; don't think you look too good. Digging your own self is slutty. Making your own good time is slutty. Who do you think you are, anyway? Knees together, slut.

2007-09-11T22:09:00.000-05:00

“Without change, something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken.” - Frank Herbert

"There is nothing wrong with change, if it is in the right direction.” - Winston Churchill

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” - Mahatma Gandhi

"Things do not change, we do." - Henry David Thoreau

"Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

torture

2007-09-05T10:08:00.000-05:00

is it possible to go completely insane due to itchyness? because i think i might do just that! after 2 bbq's this weekend, i accumulated over 20 mosquito bites! TWENTY PLUS!!!! wtf? they are huge and red and itchy and the anti-itch stuff isnt anti-itching anything whatsoever!

those little bastards must have a sense of humor too because there're about 5 or 6 bites all in a neat row across my lower back. *grumble*

2007-08-26T21:30:00.000-05:00

ive been listening to this song a lot for the last several days, and i was gonna blog about it and the chord it strikes with me, but its not happening. not quite ready to dig into that one. and besides, it cant be said any more simply than amy puts it, "I always have to comfort you when I'm there. But that's what I need you to do - stroke my hair!" ugh, and even as im trying to avoid digging into this, i cant help but notice that the few people in my life this doesnt apply to are all women. how interesting is that? in my life ive never known any men who could give as much as they needed and took from me. done - no more for now.

omg

2007-08-22T23:29:00.001-05:00

wow... seriously, wow. just had a flashback to my first 2 years of college...

its not quite the same as when its live, and you're a drunken college kid, and everyone is singing and dancing along...but i think you get the picture!

more like Super-awesome

2007-08-22T23:12:00.000-05:00

i'm McLovin Seth Rogen!

opposite of happy place

2007-08-16T14:47:00.000-05:00

playlist

"I'm so sick,
Infected with where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness"

"Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life"

"I could be fake, I could be stupid...
I could be weak, I could be senseless
You know I could be just like you
You thought you were standing beside me
You were only in my way
You’re wrong if you think that I’ll be just like you"

"And the world spins by with everybody moaning
Pissing, bitching and everyone is shitting
On their friends, On their love, On their oaths
On their honour, On their graves, Out their mouths
And their words say nothing"

"Save your breath your soul is hollow
And it's all too much to swallow"

"But I'm fine
No one got left here
Well I'm fine
No one got left here"

"But it's my kind - I'll never be cruel and I'll always play the fool"

another good one...

2007-08-16T08:32:00.000-05:00

ps. LOVE her shoes!

its official...

2007-08-15T21:17:00.000-05:00

ive turned into a girl. check out these shoes ive been drooling over online:
Exhibit A and Exhibit B. the funniest part is that theres no way i could walk in these shoes - id break my neck in less than 30 seconds. not to mention that a shoe habit can get expensive! but a girl can dream, no? :)

couldn't have said it better myself ...

2007-08-15T19:32:00.000-05:00

"I shouldn't play myself again,
I should just be my own best friend,
Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men"

i need some jim in my life...

2007-08-14T22:37:00.000-05:00

god, i love this show! this totally cheered me up today (in addition to a mega bitch session with anna over dinner, drinks, and ben & jerry's!)

2007-08-13T08:49:00.000-05:00

i really dig USA's show Psych. it's about a guy with excellent observational skills who pretends to be a psychic private investigator. the lead characters, sean and gus, crack me up and sean is kinda cute too. the show is a little campy, and kinda hammed up, but i just love it.

lol, sean and gus on an American Idol ripoff show...

"Did you really play Bud on The Cosby Show?" hehe...love it!

2007-08-11T13:09:00.000-05:00

"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." - Professor Irwin Corey

yea, i need to think about that...

ramblings

2007-08-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

so today i had a million and one things to do, so of course, today is the day i get stuck at work til 6 (im supposed to leave at 4:30, and today i was even an hour early for work and shouldve really left at 3:30!). as a result, i got to america's best at exactly 6:30 - closing time. the woman was at the door, in the process of locking it when i ran up. she was totally not gonna let me in, but i pleaded a little and explained that i only needed to pick up my new glasses. she was awesomely nice and let me in. then i felt bad because she didnt just grab my glasses and toss them at me, as i expected -- she actually unwrapped them, used the spray and special cloth to clean them and removed the tags and tag glue.

i thanked her profusely then ran out (stumbled kinda -- the new glasses are MUCH stronger than the old ones and kinda make me dizzy) to attempt to last minute shop for something to wear to my job interview tomorrow. in my defense - i did actually spend a huge chunk of the weekend shopping for a suit (blech, ugh, ick). the problem is im short and it is hard to find jackets that do not make me look like a midget or a little kid dressing up in my parents' clothes. and since i hate "grownup" clothes, i dont really know what the hell im doing or looking for or where to look, etc. but i finally found something. im not thrilled with it, but it is wearable.

so now im off to watch an episode of Psych and head to bed so i can get up early and prep for interview.

you can take the girl out of the ghetto....

2007-08-03T20:07:00.000-05:00

but you cant take the ghetto out of the girl (not completely, anyway!)

i dont care, this is my favorite song right now:

Ne-yo "Because of You"

i cant stop dancing around to it, and it just plain makes me feel good! you dont even wanna know how many times ive listened to this song on repeat (by itself!) in the last 2 days.

holy crap!

2007-08-03T09:38:00.000-05:00

check this out: Couple Welcomes 17th Child - and Wants More

"...Michelle has been pregnant for 126 months — or 10.5 years — of her life".

i dont like being judge-y, but wow -- that is fucking crazy!

how to waste time at work....

2007-08-02T11:25:00.000-05:00

turn yourself into a simpson's character: like me.

when it rains, it pours?

2007-08-01T18:04:00.000-05:00

i got a surprise raise today and it completely made my day! my salary increased by 25%; i am thrilled! they are making it retroactive to july 1st, so that is pretty awesome too. i am very much looking forward to pay day on friday -- even more than usual!

on top of that, my cousin has a job lead for me. i didnt think i had the right qualifications, but i discussed it with her and she still wants me to send my resume. the position is for a psychosocial services director at a nursing home. a real job related to my actual field of study... my mind is reeling. im gonna send my resume and hope for the best. if it doesnt work out... well, hey, i've still got my raise!

what a way to turn around a crappy week!