i am having a rough day today. i am emotionally exhausted and unbelievably cranky. and oddly enough the problem is not so much my own problems (tho i do have my own somewhat stressful things going on), as it is other people's problems. there is just too much going on with too many people, and my brain can't handle it. family members having health problems, family members having money problems, family members having mental health problems, my friends having crappy things going on this week. it's too much, and i can't fix it all, but i often feel responsible for helping fix it all or make it better, but again it's too much. and i don't know how to let it go, how to be compassionate and concerned for others without absorbing all the yuckyness and making it mine. or without feeling guilty that i can't do more, or i don't know how to do more, or i don't want to do more, or that it's not possible or even my place to do more.

and i feel guilty because i avoid my family, because sometimes i feel like i am being sucked dry. whether it is because they are being too demanding, or often simply because just being reminded of all these things and situations i don't want to think about is emotionally draining. i don't want to go to so-and-so's house and learn that they are mistreating their kids, or they don't have enough money to pay bills, or they could use some help with groceries. because i can't help them all. they're too many of them compared to just one of me. and, i'm also afraid that if i help i will only be expected to help more and more and more. and maybe that is selfish or unfair, and maybe it is based on my experiences with certain people in particular, even tho not everyone acts that way. but really, it just makes me want to run away from them, which just makes me feel even guiltier. that not only can i not fix everything, but that i'd rather actually just not even be around to see it.

i'm just so tired right now, and my brain can't deal.