girly squee-ing

i went on a pre-birthday mini shopping spree today. one of my purchases was a pair of super girly, super cute heels. i dont know that i have anything to wear them with or any place to wear them to. my feet will probably hate me every time i wear them. BUT, they were on sale, and i can walk in them without dying (probably). even if i just wear them at home while im wearing my pajamas, i love them.

lol, it seems like lately gluttonous materialism is the only pick-me-upper that works. thats kinda... well, it is what it is, i guess.

Tegan and Sara, You Wouldn't Like Me


"There's a war inside of me.
Do I cause new heartbreak to write a new broken song?
Do I push it down or let it run me right into the ground?
I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.
And I can't stop talking for fear of listening to unwelcome sound.
And you haven't called me in weeks and honestly, it's bringing me down.
Oh, I, I feel like I wouldn't like me if I met me.
I, I feel like you wouldn't like me if you met me..."

"There are people I know who won't hurt me. I call them corpses."
~Randy K. Milholland

"You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough."
~Frank Crane

"A man who doesn't trust himself can never truly trust anyone else."
~Cardinal de Retz

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live."
~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust."
~Samuel Johnson

CSS, Fuck Off is Not the Only Thing You Have to Show

you wake up
you don't wanna live today
you make up
you wanna look good again
you break up
you feel like crashing down
you go to work
you wanna skip this round right now
right no-o-o-o-ow
right now
right no-o-o-o-ow

you feel like you wanna change your life today
you feel bad cuz you didn't make it yesterday
you fall back
you think you ain't enough
you fall down
it's hard to get
up alone
alo-o-o-o-one
up alone
alo-o-o-o-one

fuck off is not the only thing you have to show
fuck off is not the only thing you have to show
fuck off is not the only thing you have to show
fuck off is not the only thing you have to show...

tired of whys, choking on whys

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still.
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am.
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will.
Fast as you can, baby run free yourself of me
Fast as you can.
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win.
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man.
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin,
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can.
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can.
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does.
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was.
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs.
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because.
I let the beast in and then
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon.
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land.
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within.
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can...

want and more want.

I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world,
but its feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour and I
started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

But I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know
then I can't remember caring for an hour or so
started crying and I couldn't stop myself
I started running but there's no where to run to
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell
say all goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to

I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come (right now)
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come

Its gone gone baby its all gone
there is no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you
well its gone gone baby its all gone
there's no one on the corner and there's no one at home
well it was cool cool, it was just all cool
now it's over for me and it's over for you

I believe the world is burning to the ground
oh well I guess we're gonna find out
let's see how far we've come
let's see how far we've come
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end
oh well, i guess, we're gonna pretend,
let's see how far we've come, again
let's see how far we've come…

turns out the convincing myself its ok to make an ass of myself was unnecessary. i went to my first conference for work, and i made a presentation there. it turned out pretty well. i managed to not only avoid looking like an ass, but i actually did sorta sound like i know some useful things - go me! i looked all grown up in my first ever real business suit. i got to stay in a really nice hotel for a couple of days. all in all, it was a really good experience. i worked my ass off the last 2 weeks, staying at work til 8 and coming in on weekends -- i stressed so much over this, but it ended up being a good experience. and i am exhausted now, but pleased with the outcome overall.

trying to convince myself...

its ok if i make an ass of myself. it doesnt bother me. its no big deal. lots of people do it all the time. whatever, i dont care.