anthropomorphism, take 2

so im digging the New York Times and its animal related articles lately.

here's a recent one that's basically about the bumbling sexual escapades of a "bachelor" tortoise: A Lonesome Tortoise, and a Search for a Mate. and of course, i have to highlight and comment on my favorite quotes...

Next year the researchers hope to find a female to take back to George’s pen. This is happy news for humanity, but not necessarily for George. We can shed a little of our collective guilt for nearly wiping out his species. George must deal with an identity crisis and performance anxiety. (do tortoises get sexual performance anxiety? maybe i need to change my career goals here. forget couples counseling...is animal sex therapy where the money's at these days? sign me up!)

A few years later, in 1993, there was briefly a companion known as “Lonesome George’s girlfriend,” but she was not a tortoise. She was a 26-year-old graduate student in zoology from Switzerland named Sveva Grigioni. By coating her hands in the genital secretions of female tortoises and gently stroking him, she managed to demonstrate a couple of times (in the course of several months’ work) that George was capable of an erection. But whereas her touch could induce other male tortoises to reach orgasm within a few minutes, with George she never managed to collect any sperm. Her ministrations — or maybe it was the pheromones in the secretions — did seem to pique George’s interest in the female tortoises... (im not sure i'd be bragging about my sexual escapades with tortoises. i wonder how many turtle notches this woman has in her bedpost? and i thought "carefully coaxing" duck phalluses would be a tough job...)

George needs to be primed. Sending Ms. Grigioni back to work would be a start, and George could also learn by watching other males in action, as some biologists have proposed. Dr. Nicholls even raises the possibility of showing instructive videos to George — and if tortoise porn is what it takes, I say go for it. (lol, im not making this up people! scientists are discussing turtle porn.)

But given George’s antisocial personality — he doesn’t like being around any other tortoises, male or female — we need to be considerate. If ultimately he’s just not that into Eve, then let Lonesome George be lonesome. We can’t expect him to save the species for our sake. It has to be good for him, too. ( poor George. how's he ever gonna get any action now that he has been publicly humiliated in the ny times?)

poor George...